Control is a very big issue with me. I like to control things. I like to know when it’s going to happen, where it’s going to happen, and why it’s going to happen. I always have. I just like to know. As you can probably imagine, life is not often helpful with this desire. Because of my desire to control things and know every detail, I spend the majority of my time stressed out. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. People are constantly telling me I need to not worry and stress about things so much. It’s stressful.
Every time someone tells me that, all I can think is, “But if I don’t get it done, who will? If it doesn’t get done, it’s going to mess up everything. If no one else is worried about getting it done, they obviously aren’t even thinking about it, so it won’t get done.” This type of thinking and the way I overthink and worry about every little thing has put a lot of stress of my relationships. Believe it or not, people get tired of hearing you vent to them about the things you worry about when you’re worried about something constantly. It has actually cost me relationships in the past. I always just thought, “Well, if you can’t handle the way I am, I don’t want to be with you or around you anyway.”
My desire to control everything has created problems in many areas of my life. I’m always looking to the future so much that I forget to just enjoy the now. I’m always pushing for that next milestone that I think should happen. And I want it to happen on my timetable, not God’s. I spend so much time looking forward to the next thing and pushing for it that I often look past what’s happening now, or push it away, or miss it completely.
For example: I’m in a relationship and it’s going great. He’s an awesome Godly man, who makes me laugh all the time and who I always have a great time with. Our relationship is so much fun and I can see myself with this guy forever. One of the only times we argue is when I push for him to tell me what our future looks like and when it’s going to happen. If I’m being totally honest with myself, I get very frustrated with him when he can’t tell me a general timeline of when we’ll be engaged and when we’ll be married. THAT’S CRAZY. Who knows those things after 6 months of dating? Obviously, I feel like he should. Yet, the thought of leaving him for someone who does know never enters my mind. Instead, I can hear God whispering to my heart, telling me to just be patient. “For I know the plans I have for you…”
I have no idea where this desire to know when everything is going to happen entered my life. My life has not exactly gone to plan. It has literally been filled with what many people would call setbacks. I don’t though. To me, it was God altering the course of my life to a different path. And it has been a tremendous blessing to me. I have had more than one person tell me that my strong faith is evident to them. They tell me it’s a testimony to them. That makes me feel like a fake. If other people can see that my faith is so strong and that I trust God’s will for my life, why can’t I see it? If they knew I was in a constant state of worry about silly, stupid things, would my faith still be so evident to them? No, probably not. So why do other people see my strong faith, but I don’t always feel it?
Writing it all down makes it real. Somehow, having it in front of your face makes you see how big of a problem it really is. How, instead of worrying about every little thing, or when things are going to happen, I need to just let go and let God. I say that all the time to other people. Why can’t I apply it my life? I have a friend who’s always thought she would be a stay at home mom. She’s over 30 and she isn’t married yet. I can tell her, “God’s got a plan for your life. He will never leave you nor forsake you.” It’s a lot easier for me to say it to her than for me to believe someone when they tell it to me.
I have all these scriptures floating around in my head all the time, and I never listen to any of them. I’m always just so worried I’m going to miss out that I don’t fully appreciate what I have. I’m growing, and I’m learning. Don’t look so far to the future and plan so far ahead that you’re always looking through binoculars when you want to look at your life. Wouldn’t you rather see it with your eyes?